Briing Briing!
Briing Briing!
This is
nowhere near
the noise the
phone actually makes
but you get
the idea. Off
shot one of
the girls at
full speed to
see if it
was a wrong
number. Getting
to the phone
first is about
the only victory
any of the
girls have managed
to far in
this series so
you would have
thought they
would have savoured
it. But
you'd be wrong. Without so
much as thank
you, Luisa had
slammed down
the phone and
was yelping “the
cars will be
with us in
thirty minutes.”
The cars
were right on
time somehow managing
to draw up
in the slightly
sinister way
that The Apprentice
drivers have
specialised in
developing. Now
it might be
my general lack
of experience with
posh clothes (one
suit in my whole lifetime,
worn on four
occasions) but
when the contestants
emerge from the
house I can't
help but think
they look like
they're off
to wedding of
someone they
don't really like
but couldn't think
of an excuse
in time for
not going and
are now running
late.
But of
course they weren't
off to wedding.
They were off
to design some
flat pack furniture.
Coincidentally flatpack
furniture is
actually the
first thing you
encounter after
your wedding (usually
about a fortnight
later) which announces in
no uncertain terms
the honeymoon is
over. And that
your life in
the years
to come
will mainly be
summed up by
wonky bookshelves and
wardrobes you
always open gingerly.
If you ask
me bride and
groom shouldn't exchange
rings, they should
swap alum keys.
But I
digress. Endeavour immediately
set about trying
to win their
third task on
the run. They
choose Jordan to be
their team captain.
Now Jordan can wear
a suit and
say “one at
a time, guys”
as much as
he likes but
it isn't going
to change the
fact he is
only a floppy
hat away from
being an irritating
presenter on
children's television.
One of those
ones who used
to drive you
mad when you
were a kid
because even
then you knew
that nobody is
ever that bumptiously
cheerful all
the time.
Over in
Evolve, the
girls team, confidence
levels were falling
and the girls
had resorted to
caking their faces
in ever more
slap in an
attempt to
raise their spirits.
Presumably because
she managed to
trowel on marginally
more than the
rest of them,
they choose Nat
as team captain.
The girls needed
an idea. Fortunately
they had lots.
Unfortunately they
had all the
same time. Very
shrilly.
Back in
Endeavour,
team leader,
Noddy had backed
Alex and his
marvellous eyebrows
to design their
product (the
quality of
Alex's eyebrows which
makes them so
amazing is
that they are
both half-missing but
also very pronounced).
Alex wasted no
time convincing the
boys to make
a table that
could turn into
a chair for
all those times
you had too
many visitors. The
boys did look
a little bemused
at this concept
which suggested too
many visitors wasn't
a problem any
of them had
come across before.
Over in
Evolve, Nat had placed her
trust in the
design skills of
Uzma. Uzma led
the girls in
the direction of
smart storage and
proposed a
cube on wheels.
I was concerned.
Having seen what
had happened to
the girls last
week when they
tried to get involved with mathematical calculations
I felt anything
geometric was
not going to
end well. Once
Evolve got going
with ratios their
cube could end
up a twisted
concoction of
triangle, rhombus
and sphere. Sort
of like the
end of David
Cronenberg's The
Fly but with
shapes.
Nat sent
off her sub-team
to do some
market research. The
market research wanted
leg room under
the cube. Nat
put her foot
down (but definitely
not under) – they
were sticking with
storage.
Next morning
the products arrived.
Endeavour had
certainly succeeded
in maunfacturing a
table that turned
into a chair.
Unfortunately the
chair it turned
into looked like
something you
were sent to
sit on when
you were in
the infants and
you'd been naughty.
This effect was
emphasisied by making
the chair too
high so anybody
small who sat
in it looked
like a dwarf.
Those who've seen
Alan draw himself
to his full
lack of height
had to hope
he didn't have
to try it
out. Its impossible
to make tough
business decisions
with dangling legs.
Meanwhile my
fears for Evolve's
geometrical competence
proved unfounded. Their
cube was indeed
cuboid. It
was also a dismal grey
and on cheap
wheels. It
looked like what
R2-D2 would have
resembled if Star
Wars had been
made by Krzysztof
Kieslowski.
Nevertheless Evolve
professed to
be delighted with
it though their
smiles were tighter
than if they'd
all just been
given free botox
injections. Endeavour
weren't quite
as effusive about
their design. The
rest of Alex's
team still stood
firmly behind him
but you could
tell they were
ready to push.
The pitches
gave little us
clue about who
was going to
win. Time is
filled up with
the teams' attempts
to sell to
small retailers but
everybody knows
what counts is
the two big
retailers that
Lord Sugar has
laid on for
them to present
to. It was
down to the
buyers from John
Lewis and Argos.
So back
in the boardroom
we waited for
the numbers. Endeavour
had sold well
and the boys
all moved a
little closer to
Alex hoping some
of his sparkle
would rub off
on them. Then
Karren announced that
the retailers loved
Evolve and their
pitch and the
boys all edged
away again. But
they needn't have
bothered. Karren
who has obviously
got her eye
on a future
career playing wicked
stepmother parts
in panto dashed
the girls hopes
with “they hated
your product.” No
orders. Three
defeats on
the trot. The
girls were evolving
all right. Into
a duck.
Nat brought
back Uzma who
was responsible for
the design and
Sophie who was
responsible for
doing the market
research and
telling her
that cubes were
a bad idea.
Which was true.
It was clearly
Uzma's fault however
much shouting she
did. And Lord
Sugar has an
investment to
protect. So
he sacked...
Sophie.
Because the
investement Sugar
has to protect
is not the
piddling one
he makes in
the eventual winner.
Oh no. The
investment Sugar
is always at
pains to protect
is the one
that is far
more crucial to
his business. The
television series.
And Uzma promises
to be much,
much better TV.
He can always
throw her out
later but for
now the noble
Lord is putting
his money where
her mouth is.
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