Six remained
on the final day
of this weeks Masterchef
but only two could
qualify for the semi-final. Michel
and Greg were clear
– everybody had to “up
their game”. And
they didn't mean throwing
partridge in the air.
First up
was the creative test
where the chefs were
confronted by a massive
choice of ingredients and
asked to cook something
from it. This differed
so hugely from the
other tasks where they
bring their ingredients with
them that I almost
couldn't tell the difference. But
when you've got a
format to drag out
then any twist however
tiny can be justified.
The chefs
set to cooking and
the programme makers set to
reminding us who they
all were with a mixture of
backstage vignettes where they all
pretty much said exactly
the same thing i.e.
“how much it would
mean to gain the
approbation of a figure
like Michel Roux Jr”
and all pretty much
didn't say exactly the
same thing i.e. “how
much it would mean
to receive the approbation of
Greg Wallace.”
Greg normally
resolves the problem of
the fact that none
of the contestants gives
a fig what he
thinks by rephrasing whatever
Michel says and occasionally adding
the word “mate”.
However, when it came
to Eager Aaron, Greg
took the radical step
of having a contrary
opinion. What had caused
this boldness? Aaron had taken
a truly shocking action
– he had chosen to
serve a vegetarian dish.
Greg's response was clear
and condemnatory. It appeared that
as far as he
was concerned going vegetarian is
the Masterchef equivalent of joining Al
Qaida and Greg Wallace
is not one to
negotiate with terrorists. Fortunately for
Aaron, unlike Obama, Greg
does not have access
to drones.
Even more
fortunately for Aaron, Michel
quite obviously loved his stuff
so the horror of
a greengrocer at the serving
of vegetables was not certain
to be his undoing.
Even more fortunately, Lanky
Alan proved to be
all presentation and no flavour
and Hollow-Eyed Martin produced a
cheesecake that looked like
the bomb that Greg
would have wanted to
drop on Aaron's vegetables
had hit it instead.
Bland Thomas,
Assured Alec, Self-doubting Michael (who was
beginning to show signs of self-belief – at least a little bit) and Eager
Aaron advanced to cook
for the critics.
In came
the critics for their
dinners. First we had
Tracey Macleod who I
last saw presenting the
Late Show and so
is someone who knows
everything there is to
know about serving up
tripe. Then there was
Charles Pompous Prat (sorry
forgot his last name
so gave him a
new and more appropriate one).
Charles offered the standard
dishonest critics plea that
all he was searching
for was “simple, honest
food”. Ignoring for
a moment what a
dishonest food might be...no
I can't...are garlic mushrooms liars?
What exactly is that moussaka hiding?
would you trust a
quiche with your credit
card?
Enough Charles
“simple, honest” gambit is
a disingenous load of tosh.
He knows full well
the nature of the
competition is about “fine”
dining and that the
chefs are going to
have to try and
stand out and impress.
They could serve up
the most perfect spaghetti
bolognese ever made and
they would get knocked
out. His approach is
like a judge turning
up at the Olympic
diving competition and saying all
he wanted to see
was “simple, honest,” diving
and none of those
tucks, spins or pikes.
The third
critic was Jay Rayner.
It doesn't take a
brilliant psychiatrist to spot that
Jay is going through
a mid-life crisis. Now,
there is nothing wrong
with going through a
mid-life crisis (I'm currently
doing it myself) but
there really is no
need to actually grow
it on your face
so everybody can see.
First up
was Bland Thomas. And
he was first out
too. He had a
complete nightmare culminating in being forced
to apologise for burning his
shortbread. Reality shows try
their best to preserve
some tension even when
none exists but even
they couldn't manage it
here. All that was
left was for the
critics to verbally dance
on his grave.
Next up
was Assured Alec. Jay
consulted his menu. “Sounds
like fish and chips
to me,” he observed
in what passes for
Wildean wit in restaurant
critic circles. Hearing this,
Tracey spoke for the
critics, announcing that therefore Assured
Alec was going to
have cook his dish
absolutely perfectly (the strong implication being
- even better than
the standard the other
chefs were required to
reach). The reason for
this was unspoken but
understood by all three
of them. Assured Alec
had to reach a
higher standard because he
was having the gall
to serve the type
of food that poor
people might eat. And
if restaurant critics were going
to be expected to
eat the same basic
ingredients as poor people
: fish! potatoes! peas! then it
had better be done
a damn sight better
than any poor person
had ever seen it.
So much for “simple,
honest food.”
Assured Alec
followed it up with
a liquid chocolate cake.
“Indulge me,” began Jay.
(Yes, Jay is sort
of the person who
prefaces a question by
saying “indulge me.”)
I confess to not
hearing the question that
followed because I was
bellowing at the screen.
“You are being paid
to eat! You are
already being indulged, you
fuzzy faced fop!”
Next came
Ex-self-doubting
Michael. His menu featured
wild pickings. I didn't know
what they were but
from the tired sighs
of the critics it
was obvious they did.
They were faddish apparently. And
oh how our long-suffering critics
hated fads (they were
all channelling the “simple, honest
food” guff by now).
Their tired sighs did
not bode well for
Michael. His ex-self-doubtingness looked
like it might be
short-lived.
Especially with
Michel's favourite Eager Aaron up
next. He did a
witty take on the
roast chicken dinner – one
of the less witty
bits being that some
of it wasn't cooked.
Tracey decided she wasn't
going to risk eating
it and I didn't
blame her. Then he
deconstructed a banoffi pie
and seemed to have
removed all the taste
from it in the
process.
Poor old
Michel was faced with
a bit of a
problem. He wanted Eager
Adam through to the
semi-final but his protege
had received a bit
of a drubbing from
the critics. And the
name of the round
was The Critics so
surely their opinion was
going to matter. Er..not
so much.
Michel tasted Aaron's dishes
and tactfully observed
that the chicken “could
have perhaps done with
a little more cooking”
and the dessert was
“subtle.” And on these
carefully selected words did
Eager Aaron slide through
to join Assured Alec
in the semi-finals. Language
is a slippery medium
as the critics could
doubtless tell you.
