Having survived
the first day by
the clever strategy of
there not being an
elimination round at the
end of it all,
the contestants returned for day
2. And the programme
makers belatedly acknowledged that maybe ten
chefs is too many
by splitting the group down
the middle, stretching the
episode length to an
hour and giving us
just five white clad
young hopefuls to differentiate between.
Menacing Monica and Grinning
Greg were still at
the helm judging wise.
Well,
I say Menacing Monica.
Things were about to
change...
But before
we found out how
we had to be
introduced to the first
day's task, otherwise known
as the skills test.
The test in question
was making a hollandaise sauce
plus two other sauces
which derived from it.
Unfortunately I have forgotten the names
of these secondary sauces
(hollandaise is the primary
sauce as all good
historians know) so for
arguments sake let's call
them belgiumaise (with orange) and
luxembourgaise (with cream). Any further sauces
would not be permitted
as I've run out
of low countries. These
would be served with
asparagus.
Lanky Alan
was first up. He
set to a-whisking and
the moment he did
so a shocking change
came over Monica. Remember
she had spent the
Day One channelling Michael
Corleone in Godfather Part
2. And then, out
of nowhere, she developed
a smorgasbord of comedy facial
expressions (Come up with
a better collective noun
for comedy facial expressions which
hint at a food
theme, if you dare).
Greg whose whole schtick
is comedy facial expressions looked
like he'd found a
soul mate. Even that
didn't stop Monica. It
took the viewer aback
for a moment. But
in TV terms it
made sense. What the
viewer was about to
see was five people
doing ten minutes of
whisking. Even editing down
to the Whisk of
the Day highlights, like,
for example, someone dropping
a spoon, was not
going to keep the
fickle viewer's fingers from
their remote.
Therefore the
only fallback position the
director had to maintain
audience share was to
intersperse the whole whisking
thing with cutaways of
Monica and Greg who
had morphed into pantomime
dames. Their mouths fell
open, their brows leapt
up and their eyes
bulged. Watching their expressions grow increasingly horrified,
the viewer could justifiably have
expected the competing cooks
to have given up
the competition all together and
just decided to throw
eggs at Michel Roux
Jr instead.
It was
therefore a bit of
a disappointment to see that
they had all in
fact served up with
the asparagus some kind of
attempt at a hollandaise which
looked more or less
like one. Monica told
Lanky Alan he had got lucky
and even praised Tatted
Nat. Dour Scottish Michael
was not so fortunate.
He had, unwisely, served
his vegetable upstanding giving it an
unappealing phallic effect and
bringing a whole new
meaning to the concept
of woody asparagus. However,
it was his palate
rather than his presentation which
attracted Monica's ire. Dour
Scottish Michael took one
sour step towards the
exit. Fortunately for Michael, Rickard with the
Mohican saved him by
forgetting to boil his
asparagus until there was
only one minute to
go. There's al dente
and then there's mal
dente. And so for
this episode of Masterchef
at least, it was
indeed the Last of
the Mohicans.
Out went
Monica and Greg and
in strutted the main
event Michel Roux Jr,
two michelin stars, one
glittering reputation and absolutely no
house wines for under
a tenner. He set
the chefs the task
of preparing a classic dish
which to those of
us with neither michelin
star, nor glittering reputation
but the compensation of
a half drunk bottle
of cheap red looked
like posh jelly and
custard. I was disappointed they
didn't have to play
pass the parcel before
serving it.
The classic
dish was followed by
the return of Greg
(though sadly not Monica
whose rarely used facial
muscles were still recovering) and
the chefs were allowed
to prepare their own
signature dish before four
were reduced down to
three.
Tatted Nat
had got herself in
trouble during the classic
test by not being
able to make custard.
She tried to rescue
the situation by telling Michel
and Greg during the
getting to know you
bit that “Cooking was
all about passion!” I'm
always a bit wary
of people who tell
me that something is
“All about passion” because
I think it is
an impressive sounding way of
saying “I'm doing things
pretty badly but I'm
putting my heart and
soul into doing them
badly so cut me
some slack.”
Sadly for
Tatted Nat, Lanky Alan
and Bland Thomas were
less about passion and
more about taste and
presentation. If she was
going to survive she
was going to have
to rely on Dour
Scottish Michael screwing up.
Dour Scottish Michael was
certainly in the business
of giving her some
hope. Having served under-cooked chicken
yesterday, he made a
sour hollandaise and was then
a bit stingy with
his custard. All that
had got him this
far was one good
biscuit. As the final
judgment approached he was hanging
by a hobnob.
It came
down to the two
of them. Dour Scottish
Michael seemed so doom-laden
as the decision approached
the viewer felt the
production team would have
been well-advised to remove all
sharp implements. But it would
have proved an unnecessary precaution. Tatted Nat's passion
couldn't cover for a
pasty which looked like
it had recently been
bombed by a bunker
buster and a ballatine
which tasted more like
baler twine. So it
was a one way
ticket to Palookaville for
Nat. Well, in fact
it was a one
way ticket back to
a gastropub in Halifax. Hands
up those who'd prefer
Palookaville! Have you been
to Halifax?
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