That dastardly
Lord Sugar
was at
it again
this week.
Just when
the poor
candidates thought
that they
were getting
a little
respite from
his fiendish
tasks -
enjoying an
easy afternoon
of video
gaming and
lolling about
on sofas
in comfortable
clothes, what
should happen
but his
Rolls Royce
should roll
up? How
could they
have anticipated
it with
only a
large camera
crew as
a clue?
What would
really have
been a
surprise would
have been
if Lord
Sugar had
brought in
a CD
player with
him, blasted
out the
theme from
The Full
Monty and
begun to
loosen his
tie. Then you
would have
seen some
real rather
than some
fake shock
for once.
But instead
he sent
them to
Edinburgh to
make and
market some
street food.
Which was
probably for
the best.
Team Phoenix was led by Adam who, if
he could
act, would
walk into
the RSC's
next production
of A
Midsummer Night's Dream
as Bottom.
He enthusiastically told
his team how
brilliantly he would do in
this task with
all the
merry conviction that a certain
weaver brimmed with when he claimed he could
play Thisbe.
Sterling were
led by
Jenna. It
is difficult
to talk
about Jenna
without mentioning
her hint
of a
regional accent.
I should
declare an
interest here
as I
too come
from the
North of
England and
am the
proud possessor
of a
voice that
will grate
cheese. I
have many
fond memories
of the
North – cross
country running
in biting
cold winds,
playing in
graveyards, sleet
– the kind
of stuff
you just
can't buy.
But even
I have
to admit
that you
can take
coming from
the North
of England
that little
bit too
far. Jenna's
voice and
the city
centre of
Newcastle on
a Friday
night both
do that.
First they
had to
pick their
product. Jenna
and Sterling came
up with
a traditional
casserole. Casserole
is, of
course, a
classic street
food if
your street
happens to
have a
table, a
chair and
a knife
and fork.
Otherwise, not
so much.
But as
a saving
grace they
decided to
give it
a Scottish
twist. Their
product was
entirely inappropriate
but at
least they
knew where
they were.
Nevertheless it
was an
open goal
for Adam
and Phoenix. They brainstormed
and from
the blizzard
of ideas
emerged...wait for
it....pasta and
meatballs. An
absolute classic
non-street food.
And with
no connection
to Scotland whatsoever.
Those who
remember Diana
Ross at
the opening
of the
1994 World
Cup are
the only
people who
have seen
an open
goal missed
more spectacularly.
Adam saw
keeping costs
down as
the key
to success,
just as
Second Lieutenant
Tom had
done when
marshalling Phoenix to
victory in
the junk
yard task.
But, liberated
from the
project manager
role, Tom's
stiff upper
lip became
more flexible and he was
suddenly advocating
spending big
on quality
ingredients. As world war one generals taught us,
it's always
easier to
be brave
when someone
else's life
is on
the line. But
Adam was
wall-like in
his refusal
to budge.
Making cheap
crap is
never a
bad idea
on The
Apprentice. As
Lord Sugar
would no
doubt testify.
Tom's advice
would have
been more
welcome on
Sterling who
took the
perilous root
of buying
quality ingredients
and making
a good
product. “Very
risky” as
Lord Sugar
later observed
disapprovingly in
the boardroom.
On to
selling. Phoenix cleverly rejected the
generous offer
of a
Michelin-starred Italian
chef's name
on their
dish in
favour of
the words
“utterly” and
“delicious” and
“meatballs”.
Of the
three words
only “utterly”
should not
be consulting
its lawyers
and considering an action for libel.
It looked
like sick.
And they
were selling
it to
football fans!
For £5.99!
As far
as I'm
concerned both
Hearts and
Rangers supporters
did themselves
no end of credit for not attacking them. Some of them even ate it. But then
they do watch Scottish football so they are used to suffering.
Sterling meanwhile had taken their filling
casserole to Parliament Square and were trying to stuff it into
people who had just finished breakfast. Even the Scots, who, if the World
Health Organisation are to be believed, are hearty eaters, like a breath or two
between meals and they were getting no takers.
The football
over, Phoenix headed for pastures new. Stephen, The Evil Slither, who until now
had acted as a hidden eminence grise now picked his moment to stick his trident
in. He struck a deal allowing Phoenix to sell to tourists on a bus. They were a
captive market. But not a hungry one. Which was not that surprising when the image
of a pizza on Katie's costume looked more appetizing than the actual food.
Sterling too
were having to relocate to where there was footfall but also competition.
Having higher costs, their need to sell was greater. Jenna feared the worst.
She did it well. Fearing the worst in a Northern accent is always more
convincing. It should be. It's where the worst happens. I said I've lived there
– I didn't say I'd stayed.
But back in
the boardroom in an alarming turn up for everybody, quality triumphed over rubbish.
Lord Sugar seemed surprised. So did Sterling when it turned out that their
treat was to ride round the grounds of a stately home on a Segway. I think it's
safe to assume The Apprentice “treats” have been victims of cuts at the BBC.
Back in the boardroom Adam was about to
discover the true nature of Stephen. Tongue flicking slightly from his lips,
The Evil Slither poured forth a venomous stream of sticky bile on Adam's
Project Manager skills. Mouth agape in disbelief, Adam realised he had been taken
for an ass.
But without
a solid silver stake to hand, he was not the man to fight The Evil Slither.
Instead he brought back Katie who was accused of “going missing” but really
because she's had the stench of apprentice death on her since nearly getting
fired in Episode 1 and, surprisingly, Azhar the Orca who'd “done nothing.” But,
as PM, Adam was clearly in desperate trouble. Especially when it emerged that
Lord Sugar had seen pictures of the Bolonasty (they only just scraped an 18
certificate from the BBFC). However, he obviously saw something in Adam. Or
perhaps he just wanted another opportunity to fire a woman for no reason. Who
can say?
Adam's
return to the house was a shock to Stephen. When The Evil Slither turns on
someone he doesn't expect to see them again. But he recovered almost instantly
and his mouth smoothly promised gullible Adam a new start. His eyes promised
something entirely different.
